Children and the Politics of Dinner

The first time I encountered bigotry centered around what one of my children ate and where and how he ate it was when Ethan was an infant. Mimi and I were in the food court at the mall. While she got us some food, I pulled up my shirt and started feeding Ethan. A woman glared at me. I smiled. When Mimi arrived with the food, we began to eat. The woman stalked over to the table and said, "Can't you do that in the women's room?" Mimi stood up and told her, "He is not going to eat lunch in a bathroom stall. Are you?" The woman went back to her table, gathered her things and left.

That was first time we had a stranger tell us and our sons how and where to enjoy their meals. It wasn't the last time. On more than one occasion I've had strangers in restaurants complain to me about Ethan and Ryan's behavior. Sometimes they had legitimate concerns. Most times, however, they complain about things that really aren't issues in our world: "Your child is standing by the window." "Are those your sons looking at the fish?" and my personal favorite "Did you know your children are playing under your table?" (For the record, yes, I am aware of where the guys are and what they are doing, and yes, I am ready to intervene if they are underfoot.)

I just finished reading an entry in Raising My Boychick in which Arwyn addresses this issue. After reading her take on it, I want to have cards printed with the following excerpts from her blog and hand one to the next person who says, "Are you sure it's alright for your kids to eat standing up?"

I recently ran across a piece of child-hate (no, I’m not telling you where) that said, in part, “Sure, I think children are people, but their parents need to make sure they act like it in public! People in restaurants don’t crawl on the floor or dance between the tables!” Really? Because I’m pretty sure what you were talking about just then was a person who was, in fact, dancing between the empty tables.

This is but one example of the widespread phenomenon of child-hate disguised as simply a “concerned citizen”: children are OK in public, as long as they don’t in any way attract an adult’s attention. It usually comes with a hefty dose of mother-blame (which is a type of misogyny, remember), in the form of “she should control her kids, or keep them at home!”

When the parent-blaming child-shaming folk say “I treat kids like people by expecting them to act like it” what they’re really saying is “I expect kids to act like adults”, which boils down to the belief that only adults are people. Because if you actually recognize that children are in fact persons, then you would be able to see that yes, actually, people do do those things in public, and the proof is dancing right in front of you.

What does it mean, exactly, to honor their personhood? It means simply that we start with the radical idea that children are people: that they have the right to bodily integrity; that their needs are no less important than ours, that their desires are no less worthy than ours; that their feelings matter, that their ideas matter, that they matter; that they should be respected for who they are, not just valued (or devalued) for what they do for us.

So that child, dancing in the aisle while you are dining? Their personhood means they have just as much right to be there as you do. If they are unreasonably blocking the way, or damaging property, or causing such a commotion that no other patron is able to also be comfortable in that space — in other words, if they are actually doing something objectively objectionable — then of course you have a cause to complain. And perhaps that was the case in the original screed I read: I cannot know. But regardless, if in the course of your complaint, no matter how legitimate, you state that children need to act like adults (especially using the code word “people”) or not be allowed out in public? If your objection is, at its base, that they are a child in public, daring to act like a child? Then you are an anti-child bigot, and you are the problem in that restaurant that needs to be sent home until you can act like a person.

I have no illusion that the person who receives the card will read it or take it heart, but if only one person reads it and realizes that rather than expressing concern s/he is, in fact, trying to control Ethan and Ryan and me than it will be well worth the effort. All children deserve the right to go out in public without having to act exactly the way people around believe "a child" ought to behave.

Tractors, Tino, and the Trapeze

To celebrate my birthday, and because it's just big fun, we all went to the Guilford Fair today. Ethan an I snuggled while watching the tractor pulls.
Then he and Ryan had fun with Mimi.
Mama Jeanne really got into the tractors.
This kid won first in his division.
One of the cool things about the Guilford Fair is that the Flying Wallendas perform there. (Yes, The Flying Wallendas like in the movie.) Today Tino Wallenda walked across a wire strung 70 feet above the ground. The speck to the left of the sun is Tino.
He also did a head stand. That was very cool.
The Flying Cortes performed on the trapeze.
That act had Ryan mesmerized.

Ethan really liked the round-up ride.
At one point Ryan asked for a corn dog. Mama Jeanne tried to find one, but failed. Could there really be a fair with no corn dogs?
I didn't think so. Mimi had corn dog magic and found one for him.

Ryan made friends with a donkey.
Both guys liked the inflated slide.
It was a full good day. We stayed for hours looking at the exhibits and the livestock. We said hello to the llamas, the cows, the sheep, the chickens, the rabbits, and the goats. We even got to see a cow getting her hooves cleaned and her swollen foot bandaged.

Eventually though, Ethan got tired, sat down at a table near the sheep, and went to sleep,
so we gathered him up and headed home.

Ethan and Mimi Clean His Room

Ethan asked for help cleaning his room, so Mimi made a date with him to work on it today. They have been at all day except for a few breaks. I suggested that Ethan could use an old shelf resting on some cinder blocks to add more room for books under his desk. That was the last step, and while they sorting the books, Mimi asked Ethan if he wanted his red chest to live under the Lego table or to go back under the window where it has been living.

Ethan: It's OK there now. I'm too tired to move it.

Mimi: Want me to move it?

Ethan: Um...

Mimi: Do you want it under the window?

Ethan: I don't want to move it.

Ba: If it could magically go anywhere, where would it go?

Ethan: Floating in mid-air. *Very Big Grin*

Ryan's Tooth

Ryan lost his first yesterday. We were in the car when he announced "My tooth is half un-tached!" Not 20 minutes later he yelled "My tooth came out! Here it is!" and promptly dropped it in the car where it immediately disappeared. We stopped the car and spent 30 minutes trying to find the tooth but could not. We assured him that all was well and that the Tooth Fairy would bring a dollar even if there was no tooth under his pillow. Ethan was so sweet. He reassured Ryan that the Tooth Fairy would come and even offered to help write a note explaining the situation to said fairy.

He is so cute with the little gap in his mouth. He lost the left bottom front one, so it's not incredibly visible, but when he smiles one of his really big smiles you can see it. Mimi and Ba went to the bookstore to get him a tooth fairy book, but, alas, none of them had little tooth pouches like the one we got for Ethan. No matter, we got a Charlie and Lola book in which Lola's tooth both falls out and is promptly lost, just like Ryan's. The Tooth Fairy brought Lola a coin, and this morning there was a dollar under Ryan's pillow.

So, Ryan has one less baby tooth, but one more dollar, and he is glad that he can once again eat whatever wants with having to be careful of a loose tooth.

A Few Ryan-isms

Spydentity (n): The secret name that one spy calls another. Also the real identity of any spy, although the real name and spy name rarely match.

"I'm going to pick up it." (This one has the grown-ups now using that word order.)

"My sore is throat." (Given as a reason for having a beverage close at hand.)

Toxinate (v): What happens when poison gas is let into the room. This is generally done by "bad guys" and/or "evil spys". as a noun: toxination

"My tooth is half un-tached!" (Actually, that tooth is now completely unattached.)

Elseplace (n): Some place which is ot the place you are currently occupying.

"I am starving hungry! Thus, you will make me breakfast."

Agents (n): Very old people or groups such as the Spartans or the Ancient Romans

Scientific Tickling

Ryan came to wake me up one day and tried to get up out of bed immediately by tickling my armpits. He soon found out that I am not ticklish there. He proceeded to check other places to find my "tickliness". I told him that I am not ticklish, but he kept checking. By the time he got to my feet, I found the whole adventure so funny that I was already laughing. Once he touched me feet, I burst into peels of laughter. "That proves it!" he yelled. "Ba has tickliness!"

Next he went to Mimi and tried tickling her armpits. She didn't laugh. He moved all the way down to her feet. By the time he got to her feet she was laughing out loud. "Mimi has tickliness, too!" he cried.

"Who is more ticklish, Ba or Mimi?" she asked him.

"I need to experiment," he answered. He proceeded to tickle each of us until we were laughing so hard we asked him to stop. He could barely breathe himself he was laughing so hard. "Ba can't not laugh, so that proves she has more tickliness than Mimi" was his verdict.

Now he comes in every morning and wakes us up by checking for our tickliness. Today he decided to see which was more "tickly" tickling with his fingers or blowing raspberries on our feet. "Now hold still," he instructed. "This is very important. If you move you can ruin my whole experiment." He tickled each way. By the time he blew raspberries on the soles of my feet I was laughing and squirming and pulled my feet away. I accidently kicked him. "Hey you kicked me!" he yelled.

"I'm sorry Ryan, but if you tickle my feet I might jerk away."

"Right. OK." He pretended to write on a pad. "Note: Be careful when preforming tickliness experiments."

"You are definately more tickly, Ba. Mimi doesn't kick me."

I guess I am. After all, you can't argue with rigorous scientific testing.

Breaking Things

Not too long ago, Ethan threw Ryan's favorite Planet Hero figure (Zip) from the second story window. It broke. There was upset all around. After things calmed down, I asked Ethan why he threw Zip from the window, and he said he just wanted to see something break. I told him that we could do that in a way that wouldn't involve any one's treasured things and wouldn't hurt any one's feelings. I wasn't sure how that would look, but I knew we could do it.

We stopped at Goodwill one day to check out the books and I found ceramic cups and mugs for ten cents each. I bought them and brought them home. Today we pout a tarp outside the front windows and dropped about a dozen ceramic cups, two mugs, and the remains of one broken bowl we had in the house from the front windows. Ethan was thrilled! He and Ryan had a blast dropping them, retrieving them, and dropping them again.

It was one of those moments when it was just easy to step outside the box. I love those moments.

Travels and Friends

We've been very busy for the past few weeks. We went on a trip which started out in Plymouth, MA at an Unschooler's Camp Out. Where Ryan met a new friend, Mauve, and found she shared his love of sticks.

Ethan, Declan, and Will discovered a sunny place to relax.

I managed to get all the kids in one photo. This was Ryan's fire, but he decided to share. He built lots of fires on this trip and learned "black smithing" which is, apparently, the art of blacking one end of stick so that it can be used to write on rocks.
Next we went to Grammy's cabin in NH. The fun with fire theme continued there. Grammy liked the fires.
Ethan built his first fire with a little help from Ryan and Mimi.
In honor of In spite of it being Learn Nothing Day, Uncle Gareth showed Ethan a how to use a bow and arrows.
Mimi and Ba took the guys for a canoe ride. Of course anyone can ride in the canoe. It's much more challenging to get pulled along in an inner tube.
Ethan spent hours following the ducks in the pond. He quacked at them and they were very accommodating. He got really close to them. After a few hours, he announced that being a duck was great, but without feathers it gets pretty cold even if the lake is warm.

Water always looms large in our family, so went to Jacob Riis Park last Tuesday and caught some gnarly waves.
There were a few wipe outs, but both Ethan and Ryan are ready to go again tomorrow. They say this is the best beach in the world. I have to agree. It has been my favorite beach since childhood.
Amazing water fun continued at Jean's wonderful potluck. The food was yummy and there lots of cool unschoolers. Jean lives mere blocks from the ocean, so naturally, everyone headed there for an afternoon swim. It was a great time to catch up with friends, old and new.
I couldn't resist posting in this photo of Kim. Gotta love a girl who knows what to take to the beach.
Finally, we went to see the new Harry Potter movie on Sunday. Ethan wanted to wait to see it at an Imax with Ryan, all 3 mommies, Aunt Jo, and Uncle Joe. We met up in New Rochelle, NY and while we were walking to the theater, Ethan decided to pause to let Wolverine hang on a tree.
All in all, a very satisfying and refreshing few weeks.

What do you do all day?

Well, I guess that all depends on the day. Most days start with some television: Sponge Bob and Star Wars: The Clone Wars, and then there's some DS playing. Both Ethan and Ryan like some quiet time when they wake up. Getting up going anywhere only happens when there's something we really want or have to do and can't put later in the day. After that, some breakfast is in order. Once all that is done, the day is wide open.

We might want to get dressed.

There might be an aluminum foil ice storm.
It could turn out to be day that calls out for body art.
Some days we go to kids' museums, like Kidcity with friends. In this case we went with Gabe and Justin. Ethan likes to keep things in balance.
Ryan is more into getting a different perspective.
We go to festivals, like the Arts and Ideas Festival in New Haven. I'm not sure if this counts as art, ideas, or both.

It's a safe bet that some of our days will include lots of water fun, like going to an indoor water park.

If it's your birthday and you are finally six years old, you could have a celebratory light saber fight with your brother.
Or you just just kick back at Ba's desk and watch some Star Wars videos on YouTube.
There has a been a lot woodchuck trap and release happening lately which looks like this:

This one wasn't the brightest of the 7 we caught. It took him a while to figure out how to get into the woods by going under the plastic fencing.We might even go to see the mayor during his monthly Mayor's Night In and get to sit on the special mayoral couch.
We unschool. Every day is its own adventure.

Unschooling Epistemology

The other day I was trying to make a point while talking with Ethan. I tapped his knee and said, "Did I tap your knee?"

Ethan: "I dunno. Maybe."

Me: " I did Ethan. You *saw* me do it."

Ethan: "Maybe it wasn't you."

Me: "Ethan, really, it was me. I'm the only person who could have done it."

Ethan: "No you're not. Maybe a ghost did it."

Me: "A ghost?"

Ethan: "Right. There's lots of things we don't know and can't prove and you can't say for sure that there aren't ghosts. Maybe one just controlled your hand and tapped my knee."

Me: "Ummm. OK, but I know I did it."

Ethan: "At least you think you know you did."

I love the way his mind works.

April Fools' Day Fun

April 1st is Backwards Day at our house. We take the traditional meal order and change it around. This year, Mimi and Ba decided to take the opportunity to play with our food. So, all the food presented at mealtimes was made from candy or had candy as an ingredient.

Our first meal was desert. It helps to wake up and the day started with a nice helping of dirt (cake) complete with (gummy) worms.


And if you have dirt for breakfast, you have to eat it without benefit of utensils.


After that we ate our dinner. Ba and Mimi love sushi, so we made some for lunch. We invited Ethan and Ryan to come sample our Japanese restaurant. This one fooled them for a second to two, but they soon realized the sushi was krispie treats, gummies, and fruit roll-ups.




Breakfast also required candle light. Ryan really enjoyed that part of lunch, even if he only liked the krispie treat part of the sushi.


The eggs were fluff and lemon jell-o and there was grill cheese sandwiches made from pound cake toast with yellow-colored icing as cheese and laffy-taffy flattened out and rounded into a tomato slice. The mango juice was colored milk. This one didn't fool them at all. We thought they would really like the fluff, but neither of them could stand it. They immediately asked for real eggs instead. Ethan said, "If I eat one more bite of candy I'll barf." Can't have that on a holiday! So we had real eggs for breakfast with real OJ and mango-colored milk chasers.

All this talk of eggs brings me to another egg look alike from the day. During his bath, Ryan asked for a balloon to fill with water. He filled this so full, we couldn't lift it out of the water. Sitting there, in the soapy water, it looks like, well, like an egg.


Such is life on backward day. Nothing is what it seems.